Authors note, 8/14/2009: I found a journal that had fallen from its perch in my closet, and opened to this page--a portal to the universe:
February 5, 1979
The Siri Singh Sahib left Seattle this morning after a weekend tantric course, setting us on our course again. Drawing us from the oceans of our egos and drenching us in love of God.
I spent the month of January in silent preparation and apprehension. I had sent Yogiji my monthly letter, saying I wanted help with my stubbornness and anger. His secretary, Nirinjan Kaur, wrote back to say he wanted to speak with me. Wondering how he would approach me and why, thinking of being with him, I had no questions! Each time I recalled the letter, I realized that a man of God was actually going to confront me. At that moment he would be with me penetrating past my emotions and fears, making me admit what was real.
Sunday morning, as Gurdwara was beginning, I came to his room and sat down. Neither of us spoke. He was reading the paper and occasionally peered over his glasses towards me. He looked funny, playing another role. I offered him my January report listing my husband’s swearing occasions. Those first few minutes of silence were to perfectly clarify in my consciousness that I really did not have anything to say—but was expectant.
When he spoke, Siri Singh Sahib told me to repeat, “I must find my security, my commitment and relax with it,” adding. “Then Guru Prem Singh will be able to penetrate through.”
He asked me about Guru Prem Singh. Like when does he put his turban on during the day and take it off at night and, “Do you think he is better?”
I said, “Yes,” and he looked up questioningly. So I explained, “He has improved—he doesn’t go crazy like he used to.”
Yogiji asked, “Does he do sadhana?”
“No, not group sadhana.”
“What kind of exercises does he do?”
“Mostly special therapeutic exercises for his back and some martial art conditioning.”
“Why do you fight?
“Dharma.”
“What is the problem?”
“One day when I was working on my minister exam, Guru Prem Singh talked seriously about divorce, and the next day told me how he loved me, equally sincerely.”
Siri Singh Sahib had me bring Guru Prem Singh into the room. Guru Prem Singh told him what he feels about the Dharma and people in 3HO. The way he was talking he could have been my parents! His main argument against commitment is that he has not had an experience and, until he has it, he can’t believe in God or Guru or anything dharmic.
The Siri Singh Sahib told him, “You are a mental case. You know you have a mother, the Earth, but you will not consider the intercourse that had to go on with God, the Generator, Organizer and Destroyer, to create you. That is your only block. Neither your life nor your wife’s life matter. You must consider Adi Shakti Kaur. She will grow up and see your unsteady temperament and inconsistent personality. We don’t need another neurotic!”
At this point Guru Prem Singh walked out the door. Yogiji sent me out to bring him in again for chapter two—talking about plans for after he gets his PhD, how he should read the Siri Guru Granth Sahib to understand it, not to love or hate it but to go into the Nadh, the essence of sound.
“Those who sing Gurbani Kirtan are developing that ability. They can honestly say, ‘It is God’s Will.’ Those words are not a cop out! If a person is crawling you can tell him about walking but you cannot give them the experience. If you want an experience, master the Ram Das Gur shabad that they are singing in Gurdwara, ‘Dhan Dhan Ram Das Gur, Jin Siriaa Tinai Savaariaa….’ Sing it every day.
Siri Singh Sahib wants Guru Prem Singh to spend three to five years translating the Siri Guru Granth Sahib with him, and told Guru Prem Singh what to study in the meanwhile.
Although a lot was brought out in their meeting, it didn’t seem consequential. Guru Prem Singh thinks I set him up. He’ll mull it over, but there will be no dramatic changes this time.
All the while Siri Singh Sahib was speaking with my husband I remained silent, holding my breath to the Nam and not especially worried. At one point Siri Singh Sahib said, “She is soft, smooth and beautiful. Why do you want to fight with her?”
Guru Prem Singh, “Her Banis are a waste of time.”
Siri Singh Sahib, “She is loved and trusted by people in 3HO, but they are afraid of you. They never know when you will react with anger and frustration.”
I have to realize that I am okay. That I don’t have to be defensive, that I can enjoy my commitment now. I think this is what Siri Singh Sahib meant by “Relax”!
Guru Prem Singh can do as he chooses. I am growing from the relationship regardless of what happens. He makes me think about and honestly feel out my involvement in the Dharma and that is the greatest gift he can give me, whether or not he cares for the consequences!
Guru Prem Singh did not do tantric because of his sore back, primarily. I spent the last two days with Doug who has been attending yoga classes for years and, I later found out Doug had spent a month doing hard kriyas every morning to get in shape for tantric. He earned his experience and kept up beautifully through the pains. It was beautiful, as usual!
I was in charge of the childcare program again this year. People from the Holy Order of Mans and Christian Community volunteered their help and were perfect and loving. The kids had fun. These people have now gotten to know us on a very intimate, pure level—our children. God is Great!
After all the tantric and living next door (our room) to the Siri Singh Sahib and being with family sangat, I still felt something was unsaid, unfulfilled. And now Siri Singh Sahib was leaving, there was little chance for him to say the right word or by Guru’s Grace speak to me at all.
At the airport Siri Singh Sahib said to me, “What Guru Prem Singh has been put through should set him up for at least six months,” and “That will suit your superficial concerns.”
Only in the last few minutes before leaving did his gaze catch mine, equally penetrating like steel. And in his eyes I saw my husband. The spirit was my husband and the spirit was me and I knew that we were one in soul, Siri Singh Sahib’s awareness giving pure peace. And I understood to my soul that all my husband manifests is of me also, all the beauty, all the turmoil—we are one in it. Realizing that, I broke the gaze, weeping inside, I could hardly hold the tears so others wouldn’t see. I let myself be distracted by the children, as though nothing had just happened. His gaze had not wavered and would not let my mind turn away from that Truth and the pain was as deep as my love. He stabbed me with truth I had before intellectualized but never faced it this way.
Near him, I leaned against a wall, relaxing, trying to simply feel and understand what he had just shown me. Realizing my confusion, feeling my wound, I watched him talk to an airport employee about the weather, amazed that that man could handle the conversation as normally as he did. And then the Siri Singh Sahib became quiet and was staring blankly deeply calmly. Just like that he was in sound meditation or prayer. And I felt myself saturated in Amrit living peace, rich and thick like honey, my heart and mind melting in his love, with him in love of God.
Sat Nam Wahe Guru! Thank you
February 6, 1979
I have been able to call on the gaze of the Siri Singh Sahib whenever I wish. Today while walking to campus it was a though he was still right before me and I was ever walking towards him, his eyes like a khanda piercing to my soul, sloughing off the falsehood, until my eyes were his eyes piercing to the reality of the world around me.
Yesterday his inward gaze from where love flowed so freely—this was the balance to soften and fill my vision with love and longing. I crave his pure presence like a distant lover. To disregard time and space for a moment with him is a pure blessing. I want this feeling to never leave me. I need to meditate deeply and alone to integrate its affect into my practical life until there is no fear, allowing his love to penetrate deeper and deeper, consciously letting him in. For he is the channel for my Guru. He has opened the door of my heart.
I now know my security as I know I am alive and it is infused with the Guru’s Love. Eyes that see and do not let me deny. Unwavering, clear, a perfect mirror beyond the three dimensions. I will die for this vision of the truth. By Guru’s Grace I will not forget, may every decision be a death so that truth may live.
Wahe Guru ji ka Khalsa, Wahe Guru ji ki Fateh!
This mornings Hukam, SGGS p. 856 first House
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